I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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