I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
