Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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