I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
