Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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