dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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