Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
