It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
