I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
