never play flip cup with pint glasses
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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