I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
