My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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