and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
