Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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