i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
