He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
