i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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