last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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