Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
