i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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