I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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