i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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