why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
