i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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