nut hugger
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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