how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
