The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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