I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
