everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize