Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
