I think im going to throw up on grandma
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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