Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
