i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
