Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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