bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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