I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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