Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
