Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
it was like eating out sand paper
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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