he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
