Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
