Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
