I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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