So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
