I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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