We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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