broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
