i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
