I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Say something about gay babies.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
