I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
