I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize