you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
