i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
