hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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