remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
