Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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