i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
