3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
