I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
