Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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